jengettinglost

September 2024

home-page post, Mental Health Blog, Personal Life

Escape – Escaping – Escapism

When I started solo traveling, it was a way for me to escape the pain I was in. I was struggling so much in my life; the onslaught of debilitating injuries, mental health issues, financial issues and abuse left me feeling like my life was purposeless and had no value. Like many other people, I thought I could run from everything; at least to a different country that is. I thought if I went somewhere else, somewhere new, that I could create a new story for myself, that I’d be too distracted and happy to feel anything else, and that I’d feel like I was finally experiencing something or doing something with my life. I thought it would change me, “fix” my problems and make me a different person. For many people, this is what solo travel is. It’s an escape. A way to break free from the monotony of daily life and routine activities, or stepping away from the pressures and responsibilities of work, family, and daily obligations to reduce stress. Maybe it’s the fantasy of having a new life somewhere else? In my case, solo travel wasn’t any of these things. Solo travel for me, was leading an anonymous existence; going somewhere where no one knew who I was, somewhere I didn’t necessarily have to engage or commit to any social obligations, somewhere I could ponder, reflect, think deeply, and gain new insight (ahem… ruminate) on my own thoughts so that I could heal from the emotional and physical trauma I was dealing with, so that I could fight my anxiety and fears about the challenges of being totally on my own without anyone to help me in a foreign place, all so that I could feel like I was capable of achieving something. Back in April, two weeks into my group therapy, I had a bad experience with one of the therapists that propelled me into a rollercoaster of emotions that left me completely drained and on edge. At home, avoiding all communication with the hospital and hysterical about going back to the program, I fell victim to my own vices, and just as I did back in 2016 when I first started solo travelling, I started looking for an escape in any way possible; an escape from my emotions, an escape from the discomfort, an escape from the “problem”. If I avoid it, it doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, it’s not a problem. And if there’s no problem, I can be fine! Completely logical and makes total sense, until of course the “problem” comes to find me and give me a reality check! I realized quickly how I was acting impulsively and irrationally in my attempt to cope with what I couldn’t control, because I’m much more self-aware of my coping strategies now which tend to be eating and watching tv to distract me from the stress and anxiety I feel, and turning to God to see the beauty in His word and in life so I can feel peace. I started to rewatch the Messiah because of how deeply it affected me, I listened to enlightening podcasts, and I looked for more books to read similar to my favourites, The Prophet and The Alchemist. It was then in that period of mindfulness that I decided when I do travel again, I need to dedicate my next trip to doing a pilgrimage because of how important it is for me to deepen my connection with my faith and the glory of this world while doing what I love. My therapist told me that running is my M.O. I struggle to face my anxieties and problems in a constructive manner. It only makes sense that I find reprieve in isolation, disconnection and avoidance,  but perhaps rather than running from, I can look at my next solo travel as running into? Running into what I believe most in and reminding myself that I need to surrender my control because not only is it unrealistic to be able to control everything in life, but also because I already know that I don’t actually control any of it. Well, I’ll let you know how that pans-out because you know you’ll be hearing from me about this again! As always, thank you for taking the time to read, and please leave a comment and share if you’ve had similar experiences or you’re currently feeling the same way. Jen  

home-page post, Mental Health Blog

Life Isn’t Easy

I want to preface this post by saying that I started writing it back in August but took a break from it because I wrote it at a time when I wasn’t doing well, I needed to get my thoughts and emotions out, and I worried it might be too heavy to share. I then realized that my blog wouldn’t be entirely truthful (or realistic) if I didn’t share these moments with you; these moments of struggles, of intense thoughts and emotions, of catasrophization and spiralling that can make me feel like I’m in a gavitron or on a rollercoaster. I’m so good at hiding all of that and only showing people the happy side of me, that no-one really understands the impact of BPD on my life and people often forget that I’m not always okay. I ended up getting sick with Long-covid and have still be on medical leave from work since writing this post, but in a way I’m grateful; although seriously sick, I was able to get a better grip on myself since I wasn’t dealing with work triggers (ahem…. erratic customers) and I could just completely check-out and rest; in retrospect something I so evidently needed. Life still isn’t easy, but when I’m in a better more stable frame of mind, it’s a lot easier for me to understand that the world isn’t actually coming to an end even though my brain would really love to convince me of that, I’m able to put my faith back into God and I can regain trust in that path that He has me on. There’s a reason for everything in life, maybe this blog and me sharing the hidden side of mental illness is the reason for me?     I’m really struggling right now. I’m struggling to stay in my DBT, I’m struggling to support myself financially, I’m struggling in my job; I’ve been hanging on by a thread for so long that that thread has finally started to fray. I’m so stressed that I haven’t been sleeping at night, and I find myself spending HOURS looking at property websites in Europe with the deluded thought, “maybe I’ll be happier if I move there? I’m failing at life here.” I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, trying to find some quick solution to the feelings I don’t want to feel, so I start looking at European properties again without realizing that I’m in fight-flight-freeze mode and my go to seems to be flight. Everything is flight for me; I don’t want the feelings and emotions to sink in. I actually believed I had been doing well (clearly I was in denial) because I was “hanging-on”, but hanging-on isn’t doing well. Hanging-on is being stuck in limbo, which is exactly where I was. For an entire year I have been hanging onto hope knowing that things would improve once I was promoted out of my entry level role (yes at 42, soon to be 43 years-old with a university degree, I’m still entry level); I’d actually be able to afford basic necessities, never mind even spending any amount of money on even the smallest luxury. I keep blaming myself for everything in life. I don’t understand how every person I know (both younger and older, and both less educated or more educated) has accomplished so much more than I have and is also earring a salary that is tens of thousands more than mine. I keep asking myself “where did I go wrong? What have I done wrong that I don’t even deserve to have a job that pays me a liveable income to the point that I am living below the poverty line in the year 2024? Why don’t employers or recruiters think I’m of any value for positions that I’m actually qualified for?” Spiralling into “Why am I still alone? Why does no one want to date me or why has no one ever even wanted to marry me?”  Careers, love, family, financial security; maybe things always look perfect from the outside and maybe it’s not always possible to have them all, but why do I seem so unworthy of all of them even when I keep trying so hard? Catastrophising is a symptom of many mental illnesses, and the thoughts are very painful. I work for a bank, one of the Big Five. They’re constantly making statements that they’re an equal opportunity employer, that they support diversity and mental health, and that they care about their employees. The irony is that, not only do they give an annual raise significantly less than the percentage of inflation, making it impossible to keep up with the drastically increasing cost of living, but I also got passed for a job promotion today (a job I was actually supposed to be promoted to a year ago but missed out because the acquisition officer thought I had already been promoted elsewhere, so I’ve had to wait an entire year to try again) because they’re unable to support my medical accommodation in the new position. My medical accommodation that allows me to go to the hospital every week for DBT to treat BPD. A year hanging on by a thread, collecting debt, missing payments, fasting because I can’t afford to eat every day, trying to apply elsewhere and unable to get a single interview, to now being told that I can’t be promoted because of a medical reason that I don’t have control over. I can’t change it, there’s nothing I can do about it. Let that sink in for a moment and then consider the fear I was flooded with. “Everything is going to stop me. No matter what I try doing, everything is going to stop me because I don’t deserve to be okay. That’s the point. I understand now.” I feel like the example for everyone else, of what not to become. This is what a failure is. This is wasted

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