World Mental Health Day

I’m feeling really sad today.

Last night I got broken-up with, if it can even be called that. I was dating someone for a month, we both liked each other, but because of certain life circumstances the decision to not continue was made. I’m not angry or insulted and I don’t dislike the person for doing this; I actually respect him profoundly for taking the time to think about it, for sharing with me exactly how he was feeling, and for the respectful and caring way he made sure it didn’t impact me negatively. So yes, I’m sad to have found someone with all of the qualities that I’ve been looking for and to still not have it work-out, but I’m accepting of his decision in making sure he did what was best for him.

This was the first time I’ve dated anyone since being diagnosed with BPD almost two years ago, and in all honesty I’ve been really nervous and worried for myself (I still am) because of how painful attachment and loss has been for me; it’s why I keep most people at a distance, even friends. But I’m so proud of how far I’ve come at managing my emotions (especially pain) since starting treatment. Two years ago this type of situation would have triggered a deep rooted hurt in me that I would have believed I was worthless or that my life didn’t have any value unless someone was in it, especially since I grew up being educated in all of the colourful ways that this was the case. Today however, I love and respect myself more, I see and know my value, my life feels fuller, and I’m better at understanding other peoples actions and words aren’t a reflection of my worth.

I’m sharing this experience and these details with you because it’s so difficult for outsiders to truly understand how mental illness and mental health veritably touches every single facet of a persons life, way of thinking and way of acting, and what an outsider may see (if they see anything at all) is just the figurative tip of an iceberg.

Today is World Mental Health Day and all of last week was Mental Illness Awareness Week.

These dates are so incredibly important to me that the last few weeks I’ve had them in my mind, wondering what I can do to make a difference. Last year I held a very personal and candid public talk to try to raise awareness and raise funds for the hospital that saved my life and helped me through treatment. This year, well, if I’m not going to lie, I feel a bit defeated. Last year, no one donated and I felt hopeless because of it, so since I’ve been sick with long-covid for the past two months, I have fallen into using the excuse that I was too sick and exhausted to prepare anything.

How can a person share with other people that they almost died, that they were on the verge of killing themselves and that they had to walk into a hospital emergency to prevent it from happening, that the mental health specialists at that hospital are the reason this person is here today, and then for the people listening to this not want to donate in support to a hospital that is so considerably underfunded they’re not able to treat everyone? It was so difficult for me not to take this personal. I felt like a failure, and as someone with BPD, my mind was equating the lack of donations to the value of my life, zero. “My life, the fact that I’m alive, isn’t important to people otherwise if it was, they would have made a donation to show it, in thanks for helping me stay alive.”, is what I kept telling myself. This is what my mental illness looks like.

For the weeks following my talk, not seeing any donations coming in, I kept asking myself “Did they hear me when I said I wanted to kill myself and I had to go to the hospital to make sure I didn’t?”, “Did they not care when I said I was struggling to get the attention of professionals for a year and was even hung-up on (after I explicitly said I wanted to kill myself) by 811 and told that I need to stay on the waiting list?” “Why did I even bother opening up to people about my struggles? It did nothing and I violated my own privacy by doing so. I never should have done so. Now everyone knows these personal details about me and it didn’t help anyone or anything.”

Part of my work is to try to understand the grey in life. My thinking is very black and white and I struggle enormously when things are not blatantly clear, when they’re grey and ambiguous. I don’t know what to think of them, my brain doesn’t know how to classify them and I feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to make sense of them; truly at a blank. My brain LOVES working in definitives.

I spoke with my Revered and with the Manager of the Saint-Mary’s Hospital Foundation, sharing my thoughts and feelings with them, and they both tried very hard to help me see the positive in what I had done, reminding me that even though I didn’t manage to collect any donations, sharing my story will help others going through the same struggles feel less alone and less helpless.

My therapist told me “I truly believe you do not have one mean intention inside of you” and that she thinks I’m trying to heal my own pain by taking away the pain of others. Those words were so painful to hear, I had to sit there in silence because I wasn’t able to say anything, and when I finally could, I said to her “I don’t want anyone else to feel the pain that I know and feel.” This is when my therapist made it clear to me that it’s neither my job nor my responsibility to take on the struggles of others and that I need to practice sitting in the pain I feel for others when they’re sharing their difficulties with me or when I’m a witness to life’s adversities.

So, this year I will be attempting to raise funds again, but I know better than to equate the number of donations or even the dollar amount to my self worth or the worth of the mental health cause. I know better than to think that I can save the world with one fundraiser or all-by-myself; I no longer put that kind of weight on my shoulders, and although difficult, I no longer allow my survivors guilt eat-me-alive in making me think I should be doing so much more to help.

Please be safe, please reach out to someone you think may need support, and please reach out to a friend / family member / anonymous phone channel for help if you’re struggling; you’re never a burden on anyone no matter what you may have been told in your past.

Jen